Monday, 26th February, 2018

God's criteria of bestowing the next life

04, Sep 2013 By tspriyaa

In a recent encounter with God, our correspondent learnt his criteria of bestowing the next life on men.

He revealed that for that last few epochs God had been a Luddite, but after the massive inflow at the gates of heaven, he is looking for people who could give him a hand in automating the process.

Our Faking news correspondent, who stood at the gates of heaven, got to watch the whole process of an interview of an IT professional with God.  He gave us a snapshots and glimpses of the episode as follows:

God: So where are you from? Introduce yourself.

Man: North Bangalore, was an IT professional. I died of heart attack and liver failure at the age of 37. The doctor said it was because of drinking but I blame my wife for it. The way she used to scream, I got palpitations in my heart.

God: Okay, then in your next Janam(life)  you will be a she, in South of Himalayas. But wait. I’m giving you the bonus of choosing which animal you want to be. (Smiles, then laughs like Rajnikant)

Man(frowns): Animal? Hmm okay. Lion?

God: You went to college and did engineering isn’t it? So you lived a life of a lion for three years, when you ragged your juniors. So no lions! Something else?

Man: Hmm. Dog?

God: Well you used to bark like a dog at your wife. So try something different. I want to give you the best you are suited for.

Man: (scratches his head): Rooster?

God (chuckles): You naughty guy, want to have concubines, huh? You’ve had them all in your last life.

Man: Cow?

God: You have eaten rotten stuff all your life, especially tones of rotten grapes in the form of beer and wine. If you are a cow, you would search for rotten food on the streets and chow it down. I won’t give you that privilege.

Man: Donkey?

God: Oh well, you made out of yourself in your last life!

Man: How do you manage to interview everyone so carefully? Don’t you get tired?

God: What to do? (Sighs) Wait a minute. You are an IT guy aren’t you? Can’t you develop an application that will automate everything, and make my job easier?

Man: I’m sorry, my team mates used to do my work, and I used to project it as mine.

God: Oh so you wasted the brain I gave you. Very typical of you! You aren’t the first one! You are a typical back bencher from an Engineering college. No wonder, you are bad at even suggesting animals. Anyhow, you up for pep talk?

Man(thinks, eats menthos and struck by an idea): You are so handsome even at this age. When I was a child, I was really cute, but grew uglier with time. I had no means of eating healthy food though I earned money. My wife was on maternity leave for a year and I had to work and ate junk food from the canteen. After that she resigned, and I still had the same lifestyle, while she had fun with the kid.

God: (no change in expression): Dude, I am the one who created menthos! See how it works on me. (Takes out a menthos from his long tresses and chews it then gives the verdict)

You are going to be a butterfly; unlike in your previous life you will be beautiful when old, ugly when you’re young. I don’t want to waste brain on you as it will be put to store and will be of no use, just like how rich Indians lock up their money in Swiss bank. You will feed on healthy leaves and petals as you complained that you had no means of healthy food. And of course, you will lay eggs, and experience the traumas of a woman.

You complained of slogging at work, but you can’t even develop a computer application! So you will be stranded in the cold Himalayas and made to work real hard for your food! I’m done with your verdict.

Man:  But you said that I would be given the choice. Oh my god, this is like office!

God: Yes of course, my work is like office work. In your language, it is bug fixing, that is correcting the mistakes that others do on earth for me. I also do allocation of resources, which is the work of a HR in your office. I do the work of a team player by helping you people by giving you strength to do your work on earth, while you people take away my credit and then try to bribe me by dropping coins in temple’s coffers. I also play the role of a manager, listening to your problems and making my decision appear like a solution to your problems. And because of this multitasking, and smart work I am God.

Get used to it mate! Don’t complain about your life, because even if you do, it’s not going to change!

Man is transformed into an ugly caterpillar and disappears!

God (to our correspondent): This was only the trailer for you folks from earth. For eavesdropping, I punish you to go back to the earth and continue faking news.

And that’s how our correspondent came back to life after his death!

So now, we all know the procedure to apply for a good post in our next janam(life). Faking News advises its entourage to start preparing for the interview and keep answers ready on their fingertips, or eavesdrop at the gates of heaven if they love their previous life!