Tuesday, 24th October, 2017

Appraisal is King Kong piss in a cookie jar

03, Dec 2013 By Gaurav Kabra

So I was sitting (read ‘shitting’) in office as usual one day when this mailer from the administrator came and went straight to a folder in my Inbox called “Trash”.

In my defense, I did not put the mail there, rather it went out automatically due to some rules I configured which I had learned to do in a training session named “Understanding Outlook” (which we were forced to attend as per our Initial Training Programme for freshers). And the most annoying part is that the frequency of these mails are even greater than the frequency with which Windows updates swarm my PC! Sometimes, I think that there is a conspiracy theory behind these Microsoft Windows (look for the ‘TM’ thing on my ass) updates.

I think Microsoft is rolling out encrypted GPS coordinates, blue-prints, offline maps, etc for a top-secret Area-51 alien-base via these updates. And the first one to crack it will win a XBOX game called ‘Microsoft Scavenger Hunt’ (Trial version for 14 days).

I am not sure if it was the mail or someone farted with 10 kilograms of Hydrogen Fluoride shoved up in his ass, but I could see people chattering and going to each other desks at mach speed (may be to counter the smell, I thought). I was about to conclude that my nostrils were burnt and lost sense of smell due to the gas, a close colleague of mine whispered, “Psst…The appraisal links are now open on the company’s home page. Check the mail in your recycle bin folder or whatever you call it”.

“It’s called ‘Trash’. Recycle bin might contain re-usable stuff”, I replied.

So I opened that mail which read (according to me):

“The annual appraisal links are now open. Please liaise with your managers to finalize your goals before blah-blah date. The link for the same is blah.blah@blahblah.com.

Company Motto: Our inspiration comes from blah-blah-blah….shit-crap-donkey-poop-dinosaur-vomit-blah-blah…”

What that mail meant to me:

“Yayy! It’s that time of the year when you will be awarded peanuts and 2.5 ml of Himani Navratna Tel for any or all of the below:

1. Saving your manager’s stupid ass from scary escalations.

2. Staying in office so late that the local dogs have started to pass a ‘sup-bro-nod to you.

3. Licking/smelling/eating the same thing you saved in point 1.

You will be required to write a book (number of words not exceeding than present in the Bhagwat Gita) explaining in details, all the points mentioned above so that we can assess you for NASA examinations.

NOTE: Please do not raise grievances once you get your peanuts and hair oil as they may differ in sizes, shapes and smell. And also because we don’t give a sparrow’s fart as to what you have got in your appraisal! “

An appraisal is generally divided into three phases and I believe that each phase gives rise to a unique syndrome. The irony is that you cannot be sane when you are hit by a syndrome (Yes, it’s not you…it’s the syndromes that anal-fucked your appraisal grades. Be happy now.). There are three types of appraisal-based syndromes:

1. Pre-appraisal syndrome:

a. Symptoms: In this phase, you ask yourself only one question on a loop to fill up the Eiffel-Tower-length form as a part of the first phase of your appraisal.

b. Question asked: WHAT DID I DO IN OFFICE THIS YEAR?

c. Outcome: You advance to the second appraisal syndrome.

2. This-is-my-appraisal syndrome:

a. Symptoms: Your manager asks this one question to you on a loop to get the answers to all the questions that he had in his mind, but he would never let you know that. He expects you to guess the actual questions by reading his mind and then answering them logically. That’s exactly what appraisals are all about. Appraisals are for managers who have this element of fun once a year in which they publicly humiliate you in a closed cabin.

b. Question asked by your manager: WHAT DID YOU ACTUALLY DO IN OFFICE THIS YEAR?

You: Sir, I elaborated the same by writing a potential Bhagwat Gita in the first phase of the cycle. Do you want me to narrate that in Lord Krishna’s voice to make it believable??

c. Outcome: You wait till Ratan Tata adopts you because that’s how long it takes for the appraisal result to come out (Probably because the company authorities go on a shopping spree to get the peanuts-hair-oil combo in bulk).

3. Post-appraisal syndrome:

a. Symptoms: You feel like an Adobe software (A prostitute that everyone uses but no one pays) and repeatedly asking yourself one question…

b. Question asked: WHAT ON HOLY EARTH’S NAME AM I DOING IN THIS OFFICE??

c. Outcome: Open naukri.com/monsterindia.com (I think that if naukri and monsterindia were actual persons, I would have hugged them and cried loudly).

And finally, I would like to mention the difference in the behavioral cycles between the Man-In-Need (Men during appraisals) and the Man-Indeed (Regular Men on regular office days) with the help of this yet another uber cool table I prepared on an inactivated Microsoft Word. That’s it, not cursing Microsoft anymore in this post now.