Sunday, 19th November, 2017

A well-complied not-to-do list when you are drunk

01, Dec 2013 By Gaurav Kabra

Disclaimer:  The following article is merely a work of fiction. Any relation to any goddamn person on this planet is a fucked up coincidence. If you come back at me with a lawsuit, I would shove a feverish baby-dragon into your ass and wish that the dragon sneezes every 5 minutes. Remember that the below described events are NOT inspired from true life and should NOT be taken seriously. Also, I am going to be the next president of the United States Of America.

Everyone likes to get drunk once in a while. Those who haven’t been drunk till now are yet to experience the super-duper-awesome stuff you can pull off and probably also making life miserable for yourself and/or for the ones accompanying you (Poor bastards…they always get dragged into shit).

I have been on both the sides and trust me when I say this, it’s always preferable to stay drunk if you are playing the poor bastard. That ways, you would give the same amount of fucks as the number of dicks in Bustin Jieber’s pants. Let me make it very clear that this is not one of those posts which advocates drinking and certainly not one of those which aim to bitch slap your conscience to make you quit drinking.

This is a post which would warn from performing a particular set of activities before you and your Medulla Oblongata consensually decide to perform salsa and jive on the streets of Jharkhand. Of course there have been various text messages containing those funny one-liners which drunkards usually vomit out of their stinky mouths (which by the way smell fouler than Nana Patekar’s arm pit), so I would avoid mentioning them to refrain myself from committing plagiarism.

For pro-level drinkers, it is a standard protocol to check for the alpha, omega and delta of their lives (wallet, phone and car/bike keys) the moment they wake up from their alcohol induced hibernation. And then comes the “Ohh-shit-what-did-I-do-yesterday” stage which mind you, is the toughest phase of the hangover because one, remembering the stunts you pulled off is tough and two, once remembered, dealing with them is even tougher.

Dealing with singular events is okay-ish but what if it were a series of events like in a nuclear chain reaction? And no…this is not the screenplay of Hangover because the stuff I am about to mention are very likely to happen to anyone unlike watching a potentially gay monkey sucking an Asian dick in front of you. Now that I have completed the introduction of this article like a good writer, I would like to take this opportunity to jump straight to the NOT-To-Do List now:

1. Wisely Choose The Time To Get DrunkExperimenting with cocktails is common but do not, under any circumstances, try to mess with the timings of your drinking endeavour. That can bounce back like Kim Kardashian’s silicon boobs on your face…You will enjoy it for a while but feel suffocated then after. There is also a high possibility that matters can go really out of hand in case you decide to drink at 8 am in the morning, on a weekday, when you cannot bunk office. Doing this is like giving a horny bull and open invitation to fuck you in the ass (The horns go into your ass, not the bull’s dick, Ouch).

2. Wisely Choose The Location To Get Drunk: The brain works in mysterious ways, greater than the number of times a virgin octogenarian has masturbated in his entire lifetime. The brain can get excited anytime and could make you implement its weird ideas which otherwise look Newton-y lest you face the repercussions of it. One of those ideas could sound like this: Le Friend: “Dude! Let’s get drunk on the streets at 8 am in the morning!” (What you should reply): Le You: “It is better to watch a Himesh Reshammiya movie in Dolby Digital 7.1 surround sound, in 3-D” (What you should NOT reply): Le You: “Totally dude! It would be so awesome!” It would not be awesome. Period. (*Chills down the spine*)

3. Wisely Choose Your Remarks At Passerby Pedestrians, Cars, Dogs, Trees, Dustbins, etc: People talk shit after getting drunk. You need an external support to loosen the grip on your mind which enables you to have the highest possible degree of Freedom of Speech. I get that. In my personal view, people who do not talk shit after losing their soberness are those mean bastards who might be planning secretively to sleep with your mother. But there can be circumstances where the mind loses all its grip which first impacts the speech-related part of the brain. The below chemical equation depicts what alcohol can do to an individual’s speech:

What Alcohol Can Do To Your Speech

Anyways, my point is that it is imperative to keep a control on your speech when the drunk mind decides to pass remarks on random people. That can land you into serious trouble.

Common examples include:

a. Voice your opinions about shitty stuff on a softer note: Try not to stuff a tangled paper map into an iPhone as a replacement app for Apple maps, especially when the phone belongs to some random chick on the street. It would also be tremendously helpful if you could restrain yourself from calling her a nincompoop blondie. Avoiding going to mobile shops and comparing the Galaxy Note phone with a vibrator may also prove as a life saviour.

b. Avoid building family relationships with police inspectors in the patrolling vans: Minimize the use of sentences like “Mamiji ghar pe intezaar kar rahi hai aur aap yahan ghoom rahe ho Mamaji?”. For the record, cops hate this title, how honorary and family-iar it may sound.

c. Try not to be an animal sexologist: No matter how badly they are doing it, do not try to teach a dog-couple how to indulge perfectly in doggie-style sex. Do not forget that they are the inventors of it after all, so they know it better than you. Even though your intentions could be as pure as the Holy Water, please do not pounce on the female counterpart of the couple (bitch sounds slutty, she may be not be one) to show the male counterpart how it is done practically. Bestiality is a punishable offense and ‘I-was-just-helping-them’ will not help your cause no matter how persuasive you may sound.

d. Let’s not go the mall (How I Met Your Mother fans would get this): The urge to do shopping when drunk should also be controlled. Under extreme conditions, your female friend (who is drunk along with you) might stumble upon a pretty dress and would want to try that. Nothing wrong in that except that she might NOT do that in the trial room because she thinks that it would be an insult to the prettiness of the dress if it were to be tried in a confined space or may be the dress is claustrophobic. Worse than that, she might start talking to random 5 year olds. Again, nothing wrong in that except that she starts teaching them how to show their middle fingers by saying that “Showing middle fingers is probably the best thing in the world to do!” No matter how drunk you are, be alert enough to refrain your friend from doing the above. You could very well be on the course to tasting human excreta if the kid’s dad turns out to be a bodybuilder/politician/local gunda or all three.

4. Drop Your Plan To Go To Office That Day: A situation may pop-up in which your asshole friend (drunk with you) may say, “I dare you to go to office today!” Dares…Everyone likes dares. It is that one word that makes your ego-level reach the epitome of Ionosphere. “No, I am a pussy” should be your reply but your alcohol-altered-ego may coerce you into saying “You’re ON bitch!” Why can’t people have three measures Gordon’s, one of vodka, half of Kina Lillet, shake it over ice then add a thin slice of lemon peel and gulp down their ego with it? Let me show you a pictorial representation (click it!) of the forecast of events that may follow in case you decide to show up to your office drunk. Enjoy the flowchart while I find my house keys which I believe has been taken by the pesky rat in my house. But more on that in my next post.