Tuesday, 21st November, 2017

SRK advises John Abraham to rename ‘Madras Cafe’ as ‘Chennai Cafe’

06, Sep 2013 By Tanuj Khosla

This is breaking news from Faking News. We accidentally stumbled upon the telephonic conversation between Shah Rukh Khan and John Abraham while trying to tap the phone lines of our office peon who we suspect is having an affair with the girl in the opposite office. We are missing two stapler pins, one post-it and three rubber bands since last Thursday and feel that the peon has flicked them for his lady love.

Anyways, we produce before you the transcripts of the conversation. The Bollywood actors were heard discussing the opposition being faced by ‘Madras Café’ by certain sections that has led to the its bad performance so far at the box office.

SRK: Johny my boy, I completely understand how you feel. But this is totally your fault. You have to rename ‘Madras Café’ as ‘Chennai Café’ if you want the movie to be a super hit.

JOHN: But Shah Rukh sir, will that work? I am not so sure.

SRK: Of course it will. Look at me, I own Kolkata Knight Riders but did I name my movie as Kolkata Express? No. In fact Mamta di was so keen that I do, that she sent 5 kgs of mishti doi to Mannat in order to bribe me. I had to make KJo eat it over a month, passing it off as an exotic African aphrodisiac.  You see, I realized that my buffoonery in Kolkata can only be tolerated up to my pelvic thrusts during the IPL.  Basing the movie there would have caused the people of West Bengal to collect money, buy out my team and kick me out of the state forever. Besides Madras and Chennai refer to the same place, so what difference does it make to you?

JOHN: But sir, there is a reason behind this name…

SRK (impatiently): There is nothing in a name my boy unless it is about mine being Rahul in my films. For example, if you had named ‘Vicky Donor’ as ‘Sticky Donor’ or ‘Dicky Donor’, would there have been change in the quality of Ayushman’s sperm? No, my boy, not a bit.

JOHN: You have a point sir…

SRK: I always do my hunky boy.

JOHN: But sir what is the guarantee that by renaming the movie, it shall be a hit and won’t face any…

SRK: Listen John, I don’t have all day. The best things in this country at the moment start with the word ‘Chennai’. Be it Chennai Express or Chennai SuperKings…

JOHN (his voice filled with anger): But it was Mumbai Indians that won the IPL this year.

SRK (smirking and letting out his typical throaty laugh): But did you see what happened to Once Upon a time in MUMBAI 2? Ha ha ha. Mumbai may have won the IPL but it is Chennai all the way at the box office. I suggest you move quickly and join the bandwagon before I do to you what I did to Akki who thought he is a tees maar khan!!

JOHN: Let me think through it. Thanks for your time. Bye.

Faking News then caught up with Tanuj Khosla, its in-house expert on such issues. “If John takes SRK’s advice” quipped Tanuj while drinking sambar using a fork, “it can set a very bad precedent. Rakesh Omprakash Mehra may be tempted to re-release Delhi 6 as Chennai 6 even though Delhi Belly didn’t do that badly. Ekta Kapoor may call her next flick as Once Upon a Time in Chennai while if ever Preity Zinta manages to develop guts to produce another film, she may call it ‘Ishq in Chennai’. There is no telling where the trend shall take us.”

Watch this space.