Monday, 24th July, 2017

How to prepare a delicious "Masala" film

12, May 2017 By Aswin Madhu

Ingredients required :

  • 2 tablespoons of cheesy romance mixture
  • 1 tablespoon of relationship sentiment powder
  • Intro scenes – 3 in number; Hero, heroine and villain
  • A pinch of social message
  • A stack of villains – At least one must be good-looking with 6-8 pack abs
  • An item song
  • Punch dialogues – As per necessity
  • Fight sequences – As per necessity
  • Comedy – As per necessity
  • One Happy Ending

Preparation of cheesy romance mixture :

  • Add a spoonful of stalking and 2 spoons of ogling into a bowl full of stupidity and senselessness.
  • Blend it thoroughly into a dense mass.
  • Flavor it by pouring a small amount of romantic songs which have been manufactured in foreign locations (preferably Switzerland).

Preparation of main course :

  • Take the intro scenes and add them one by one, in the order of villain, hero and heroine.
  • Immediately add the above prepared cheesy romance mixture in order to facilitate the mixing of hero, heroine and villain.
  • Heat it with an item song on a pan full of alcoholism and bar scenes for a few minutes. Stop heating when smokes of offensive lyrics and excessive skin show begin to arise.
  • Let the meal cool down and then add one tablespoon of relationship sentiment powder.
  • Add some amounts of punch dialogues, fight sequences and comedy in between.
  • As the last step, add the stack of villains and stir thoroughly with a weapon of your choice (Wooden logs, knives, axe, anything that comes in your imagination). Sprinkle the Happy Ending to increase its taste and attractiveness.
  • Savor it with popcorn and please leave your brains behind as a precautionary measure.

End Note :

The above recipe remains the same for all commercial films. The amounts, however, may vary as-

  • Romance Film– Add lots and lots of cheesy romance mixture. Minimize the villain stack and punch dialogues. Blend fight sequences with hero and heroine.
  • Horror Film– Add a new horror mixture to the existing recipe. It should consist of pitch blackness, white saree, sudden BGMs, dilapidated bungalow, and scary makeup.
  • Message-driven Film– Add many amounts of social message in between and also at the end, even though they’re forgotten by everyone in real life.
  • Family Film– The villain stack may/may not be added, but the most important ingredient is relationship sentiment (It is of many types; father-son, mother-son, father-daughter, mother-daughter, grandparents-grandchildren, and so on).
  • Fantasy Film– Imagination must be used; it may be yours or be copied from another film. Types include zombies, vampires, werewolves, and other creatures.
  • Comedy Film– Add comedy after every step of the cooking process. The comedy usually consists of bland comebacks, counter dialogues, sloppy slapstick, basically anything which might make you wanna shoot your brains off.