Houston: US astronaut Scott Kelly and Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Korneinko have blasted off in a Soyuz spacecraft to spend a full year at the International Space Station. They are attempting to create a record of the amount of time spent at this guinea lab to see what happens to these two lab rats after 12 months in zero-gravity, drinking recycled piss, hurling around the planet (wheee) and no sex… at all; a vacation that Valery Polyakov has scoffed at after spending 437 days in an older version of above mentioned space lab, in 1994.
Disgruntled astronauts who were passed over for this glorious mission, including Tom Hanks, who apparently didn’t learn anything from his Apollo 13 near-death experience, have alleged that this mission is a front to actually send humans to Mars from where a signal has been received in a single monosyllable repetition sequence that goes Om- Om- Om- Om- Om in different pitches. Tom Hanks is so getting fired for this.
Although this seems to be like a breakthrough in contacting either the Aliens (Alien), Predators (Predator), the Engineers (Prometheus), the Chitauri (Avengers), people from Barsoom (John Carter), the Green Lantern Corps (Green lantern), a talking Raccoon (Guardians of the Galaxy) or Jadoo (Koi Mil Gaya), NASA and the governments of the world seem to be intent on hiding this piece of information from the public.
Here is what Bruce Willis, who became head of NASA after blowing up that asteroid aiming for Earth and having a habit of generally Dying Hard for over a decade, says, “There is no conspiracy here. It’s all media hype as my good friend and our resident weapons expert Tony Stark will tell you. I shouldn’t have said that huh? Who cares? I’ll just blow up your evil newspaper organization if you print that. Anyway, we have no plans of blowing up whoever it is on Mars. We go in peace. Ohhhhh… cut that out too. Houston out.”
Rakesh Roshan, Indian film director and the father of a Greek Demigod, seems to have strong views on the subject. “I knew it! I knew it! I told them but they wouldn’t listen but someone else sure did. I invented the Om device but they wouldn’t even give me a patent for it. The aliens have been to Earth before and they cured my dumbass son. Though their powers did have an adverse effect on Hansika Motawani, who went on to do a film with Himesh (Jai mataji! Let’s rock) Reshamiya and destroyed her career. But I told them!”
Russia and the United States, the two nations whose astronauts are on this mission have vehemently denied these accusations of a world-wide conspiracy, calling them wild and misleading theories to create panic and bring down the credibility of their governments. They further denied building space weapons, continuing research on Skynet, the existence of Area 51 and that Will Smith had been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honour for bringing down a space plane in Independence Day.
Experts say that a mission to Mars would need more food and resources to keep the astronauts in top shape till they reached the red planet. Anonymous sources in NASA and of course Tom Hanks says that the US has imposed sanctions on the Russian cosmonaut to ensure the survival of their man. Korneinko cannot eat the Snickers, has to drink limited water and not be strapped to his seat to conserve strength while Kelly does zero-gravity back flips for audiences back home. Although taking political sanctions into the frontier of space seems extreme, sources say the Russian government accepted those terms rather than let US be the only nation to have a man on Mars first.
NASA and the Russian Space Agency were unavailable for comment, but the Indian Space Research Organization did say, “We made the bolts for the garbage chute!”