Mumbai : As the number of 100 Crore Movies being made in India inches closer to the number of Sachin Tendulkar’s international centuries (2 min silence in respect please) , it is natural that every person in India wants to replicate this success for himself.
By following these simple steps, you too can make your own potential 100 Crore Club and earn your ticket to riches and fame.
A word of caution : It would be helpful if you’re high or drunk or both while attempting to make such a movie. It won’t make the work easier but you’ll surely feel that your movie makes sense.
1. Hire an actor. This is the most important part of a 100 Crore Movie. The script, songs, dialogues, director, actress etc are in decreasing order of importance (in that order) after the actor. Prefer someone who has a cult following, if not in India at least in some regions of the country, so that the audience drives to the theaters in droves. Your script’s not gonna get them there for sure. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO NOT HIRE TUSSHAR KAPOOR OR UDAY CHOPRA.
2. Decide the actor’s profession. Remember, he is a common man who is equal to all other men, but he needs have a job which makes him more equal than others. The police inspector role is a sure-fire winner but you have to think outside the box. Have him play an IAS Officer or a bureaucrat or an assassin with a heart of gold. If you want to go for the gusto, make him an IIT Engineer. Oh and give him a catchy name, you know, something that could be used in the title track’s lyrics.
3. Get Prakash Raj. Only he can play the scheming neta/business person/politician/kingmaker who is the biggest obstacle in our hero’s quest for ___________(insert aim here).
4. Write your dialogues. The dialogues in the movie will serve one purpose only – to act as catchphrases. References to disgusting body functions would be a plus point here. There should be more catchphrases in a single scene than there are ‘Thanks dear’ comments made by a girl when someone likes her DP.
5. Songs. What would a 100 Crore Movie be without catchy tunes? Remember, it is only the music which matters. The lyrics can be easily written on the day of the recording. Get Mika to croon. Include an item song too.Get an actress to feature in that item song.Someone who the public would never expect. Like Konkona Sen Sharma or Mimoh Chakraborty.
6. Hire an actress. Oops, almost forgot her. Get some yesteryear superstar’s daughter or niece. If she’s too pricy, get one of the Miss India finalists. Remember, she should not know how to act. The audience is here to see our hero.
7. Action sequences. A 100 Crore Movie needs as much action as possible. The sequences should in no way obey any rules of physics. Blow up lots of cars, cycles, bullock carts and trucks. Get ISRO on the phone and ask them if they have a space shuttle you can borrow to blow up. We want to show India as a progressive nation, no?
Piece together these steps with something vaguely similar to a story line and a plot as predictable as sex after 10 years of marriage and give it a ‘dhansu’ sounding title and voilà, there you have it. Your very own 100 Crore Movie.
Note: 100 crore movies are subject to market risk. Please think carefully before directing