IIT: In a shocking incident that took place last night, a student from a premier engineering college of our country, attempted suicide. He was arrested by the police later on. It is reported that he was very frustrated after being not nominated by Poonam Pandey for the ALS ice bucket challenge. Later on when the police searched the YouTube history of the student’s laptop, it was found that he had subscribed Poonam’s channel. The history also revealed that he had been following such gifted self proclaimed stars all over the internet for a quite long time..
The boy whose last name is also Pandey (full name not revealed at the behest of his girlfriend) was very confident that Poonam would nominate him.
“He is very fond of her. He feels that they two share some kind of bond,” Chintu, a friend of the boy told Faking News. “Poonam didi’s video of ice bucket challenge had come long time ago. He was very frustrated that she didn’t nominate him. But, he waited. He hoped that she might nominate him later in some another video,” he added.
Bhola Prasad ‘Berojgaar’, alumni of the same college who works as the security guard of the hostel, narrated the whole incident, “As usual I was sleeping while on my duty when I heard some boys screaming aloud. It is nothing unusual in a boy’s hostel. They were shouting like kud ja, kud ja. I went to see what was going on and saw Pandey, trying to jump from the third floor. It was very funny to see him dare to jump from that height as he even fears riding bicycle. Finally he gave it up and went to his room and shut down the door in desperation. Everyone shouted like Pankha mat torna, rassi du kya etc.? But he did not answer. Bored of this, everyone dispersed.”
“Half an hour later again screaming was heard. I asked a boy what happened again. He told me that Pandey had attempted suicide. He dared to take bath with chilled water on such a hot summer season and that too at night. When I saw him he was badly wet with cold water. Everyone was looking at his wet body but nobody dared to touch him. I called the director immediately. He rushed to our hostel with the fire brigade team. In between, Pandey’s ex roommate Baba, who is the most talented guy of our hostel brought a hot immersion rod and touched it to Pandey’s body. Suddenly the whole place became full of water. It was later confirmed by the NIA team that Pandey had mixed some ice in water which melted after coming in contact with the hot immersion rod. He was airlifted to Agra for treatment.”
“This is a serious matter. The students of our country are getting dumber. I believe this is the propaganda of the big corporate houses who do not want to give these students hefty salaries after graduation so they are incorporating the Ass Culture into them. This is synonymous to the idea of the British who kept Indians illiterate. Otherwise, how could Aliaa Jokes and Yo Yo songs be famous?” The director of ImranHasmi Institute of Technology (IIT) told our correspondent.
How did Pandey get ice in hostel is still a matter of investigation because most of the time it is even hard to find running water in the hostel toilets. Police is suspecting the hand of ICICICI in this case. Some termed this incident as Cold War and some as Snan Jihad.
A suicide note was also found from Pandey’s room in his own illegible engineering handwriting. The NIA team is in process of deciphering the suicide note. It is written in English. The team has claimed of finding many new English words written in the note which even do not exist in the Oxford Dictionary. We have exclusive excerpts of his suicide note which has been simplified and grammatically corrected for your understanding.
“As I was not nominated by anyone for the ice bucket challenge, I decided to nominate myself. Even Poonam Pandey chose not to nominate me without any apparent reason what so ever. Instead she nominated three random persons (names not revealed) who obviously did not take up the challenge.
Why am I being discriminated in every field in this country? Being a General Indian, should I be accustomed to such positive discriminations mentioned in the constitution. We should be given at least one third of reservation in every nomination. She could have nominated me and any two random persons.” Further details of this note are awaited.
Pandey was later produced before a magistrate for suicide code violation. He is charged with stealing a bucket and a mug of his friend Billu who was applauded by everyone for keeping the bucket full of holes which drained the icy water quickly. The magistrate prohibited bathing in all the hostels with immediate effect and banned Pandey from having ice cream for next ten years.