Dearest Kajol Di,
I hope you both are in best of health and doing great. Hope Ajay, my adorable Nysa and my Cutu Yug are doing wonderfully well too.
I am fine in the Bigg Boss house. I get the sense that it does not matter to you all, but nevertheless, I love you all.
Have promised on TV that nothing will make me cry on this show, so will not make myself weaker by saying I miss you all, but today, I almost did reach that point.
Today, Bigg Boss gave housemates a pleasant surprise and Andy’s mother visited him and Kamya’s mom came to see her. Gauhar’s mom had visited her before and today her sis came too. And ofcourse Payal visited Sangram Ji.
I know I have always disappointed you both and once again, I am sorry for that.
But there were moments today, like when Andy’s mother hugged Andy, or Kamya and Gauhar broke down in arms of their mom and Sis respectively, a fleeting thought did caress my mind.
Wouldn’t it have been better for you all more than me, had I been born in a ‘lesser family’, which did not have to live up to the pressures of Stardom & ‘Illustrious Family Name’?
I am sorry Mumma, I am sorry Kajol Di, that I could neither attain the career heights that you both and Ajay reached, nor was I born and grew up in some ‘ordinary family’.
Just can’t help thinking tonight!
Had I been successful in my film career like you all, I would not be a contestant in this simple reality TV show like Bigg Boss. And if I was born elsewhere, my close ones would have surely come and hugged me, just like those of others in house did today.
Though you did not say it openly, Mumma, I could sense that you were against my being on this show where my life would be and has been infact, an open book, on a 24×7 basis!
Yes, I prevailed upon you, believing it would just be the spark in my life, so much needed to re-ignite my passion to do something creative! Something different! In any case what was I doing before this show happened to me?
I had promised to myself, that I would take the challenge of coming on this Bigg Boss show and project myself here as a woman who is principled, upright and fair in her approach when it comes to dealing with issues and individuals, one who can play the game and yet be so different!
To say it has been a tough journey here, would be a huge understatement.
It is a house where it’s a dog eat dog situation, (and I hope Heaven forgives me for that expression). Relations, equations, values all go for a toss by the day and with each new Big Boss task!
And yet, I tried. I tried really hard.
Few weeks ago Kareena had visited us, Soha Ali Khan too. Both came to promote their movies.
I know you won’t visit me as Mom, Di or Bro-in-Law, but on both those occasions, I did confess to Armaan Ji that how I really wished one of Ajay’s movie should have been slated to be released around this time.
May be as Actor / Producer he might have visited us to promote his movie! And who knows, with some luck he might even have come with you Kajol Di, Nysa and Yug. No, not to meet me, but to promote the movie atleast, I mean.
Kushal was out of house for some time and he came back after three weeks. Do not really know whether it is true or not, but he said there are reports outside that you all are not very happy at the projection of my proximity with Armaan Ji.
Well! You both know my nature.
I am loyal to a fault. And having said so on National TV, how would I appear if I ditched Armaan Ji now, having stood through his thick and thins for almost 3 months now? Even if he were to be grossly unfair to me at times I mean!
After initial few weeks itself, there was a point where there was no one in the house for me except Armaan Ji, just as there was no one in house for him except me!
Somewhere along the line, he understood me for the person that I am. And I understood him for whatever Armaan Ji is.
Kushal said you both do not like Armaan Ji’s behavior towards me.
I appreciate that as your concern for me. But Mumma, is everyone else perfect in this world? Kajol Di, has had her own share of very testing times in her relationship with Ajay. Who doesn’t and who would know this better than Kajol Di?
Yes, Armaan Ji is impulsive! Almost like a big overgrown child, but he has a heart of Gold.
I do not really know what is being shown of our relationship, but more than him, I break down each time he apologises and nearly goes to pieces, once he realizes his impulsive urge had made him break my heart or even caused me a little disappointment!
Tonight, when every one’s relative came and no one from our families visited me or Armaan Ji, there came a point where we both realized how alone we both are and how similar our destinies have been.
He carries a huge yoke of his big Producer Director father’s successful career on his shoulders and the burden of a not so successful Film career!
Just as I have always carried this albatross of super stardom that you both and Ajay have attained in your careers and my own Career failures.
Today, one by one they came and left. Andy’s mom , Kamya’s mom, Payal, and then Gauhar’s sister left too!
Each passing second, I could sense the turmoil within Armaan Ji and the emotional upheaval he was experiencing! Missing his parents and his sister!
And without my saying a word, as if touched by a deep soul connection, Armaan Ji too, I suspect, knew my exact mental state at that precise point of time!
He looked at me with tears welled up in his eyes and said in an emotion choked voice,”Naa aapke yahaan se koi aayega, naa mere ghar se—-chalo ek doosre ko hi hug kar lete hain–“!
The moment I hugged him, I felt as if I was melting into his broad chest! Just as he hugged me tight and we both broke down sobbing, for few priceless moments, it was as if my beloved Baba (Papa) had returned, hugged me tight and whispered in my ears, “Don’t worry Beta, your Baba is here! You are not alone Tani Beta!”Cry
It was a moment which shall eternally remain etched on my soul & mind and I am sincerely grateful to you both and Ajay for being the reason of this blissful experience!
Sorry for the long out-pour. I am not sure whether this letter would even reach you both or not. But atleast I feel better now. Its as if I spoke to you both in person. Please take care and May God always bless my wonderful family!
Always love you,
ALWAYS Miss you!!!