Monday, 26th June, 2017

Chetan Bhagat's attempt to thwart competition from new authors backfires

30, Oct 2013 By Tanuj Khosla

In an effort to thwart competition from young and upcoming authors, Chetan Bhagat called a press conference today to spill the beans on the modus-operandi being used by new writers to sell their books and thus eat into his ‘market share’.

An angry Chetan.
An angry Chetan.

Here are the exact transcripts of his statement

“The young adult fiction has a very simple formula: Start from a high, go to abysmal lows then rise like a phoenix to high again and most importantly add plenty of sex in between.

Some authors try to fool the readers by adding a low at the start of the novel So instead of being hot and happy-go-lucky, the protagonist is fat, ugly, lonely, shy in the beginning before a ‘meeting’ with the love of his/her life magically transforms him/her. Obviously there is trouble in paradise in the following chapters before things start looking up again.

Set the story in a campus or office, price the books at Rs. 80, market heavily of Facebook – and bingo you have the next bestseller and the author is the next Chetan Bhagat!! Nonsense!! There can never be another me. Not ever my own brother who came out with his novel recently.

You see my books are different. Yes, they have sex in them too, but I also give content to my reader which is why they are getting made into movies as well. I write masala but there is still an element of class in it. It is like Govinda doing jazz.

So my sincere advice to all readers out there – save your money for my book that comes once a year and then for the ticket of the movie made on it. Don’t waste it on garbage. Jai Ho.”

However Bhagat’s statement seems to have had the opposite effect as thousands have dropped everything and locked themselves in a room to pen a book after hearing this ‘secret formula’. Roads are empty and offices are witnessing record low turnouts. Out of the ones who came in, many were caught red-handed typing the ‘story of their lives’ under the guise of an official memo. Classrooms in colleges are deserted and the backside of the letters from the authorities to students reminding them of the 75% per cent compulsory attendance needed are being used to write the preface of the books. The situation is such that a few foreign tourists mistakenly thought that the government has declared curfew in the country.

Says aspiring author Ramu Lekhak who was typing furiously on his laptop when Faking News caught up with him “I wish Bhagat had made this statement earlier. Had I known this formula of penning a bestseller, I would have written a dozen of them based on my own life!!”

Faking News brings you some of the reactions to this nationwide

Says and infuriated Rahul  Gandhi “This Bhagat should have been conscious about the timing of his press conference. If people don’t get come out of their houses, then who will vote for me?!?!”

Salman Khan: “The TRPs of Big Boss have nosedived as no one is watching it. This despite the fact that we showed Andy and Sangram making out and Gauhar kicking Armaan in the nuts!! Big Boss has become a Big Loss all thanks to this Bhagat. I can’t wait to throw the script of Kick in his face now.”

Even Dr. Manmohan Singh couldn’t hold back this time. “The country is going through a low growth phase” he said to our itchy reporter “and on top of that if people stop working, how the hell will be progress as a nation? I condemn Bhagat!!!”

Chetan Bhagat himself remained unavailable for comment. However we managed to extract out of his maid Shantabai that a panicky Bhagat started working on his next book on seeing the reaction of the public. He is planning to release it before Diwali this year.

Watch this space.