Friday, 23rd February, 2018

TCS says attrition rate at all-time low(zero attrition according to zero loss theory)

13, Aug 2013 By Shukla_ThePalamuTiger

In a recent remark the chief executive of Tata Consultancy Services left the IT professionals across the country shell shocked.

N Chen Shekharan today told reporters in Mumbai that, they are now going to be the best company in the world as they are witnessing the all-time low attrition. “Recently we beat expectations for the fiscal first quarter this June. In fact we have achieved zero attrition according to Sri Kapil sibbals zero loss theory”. “Frankly speaking we should be proud of suck such intelligent person like Mr. sibbal” he added.

TCS CEO
The Happy CEO estimating profit from this remark

Meanwhile Pooja Karat the IT professional’s left wing accused TCS for falsifying the information and misleading the mass to drive profit from economic disaster that resulted from the cheating economic policies of the Cambridge educated Amutya Sen, and his friend Mandmohan singh.

“Mr. N Chen and the Top management must apologize to the common people for making such senseless remark in the time of economic disaster when there is no job anywhere in the Indian market” she demanded.

While reacting to Ms. Karat’s questions Mr. Ajoy Bijoy (CTO) replied that this is a politically driven allegation and TCS and its management strongly condom condemn it.

In our TV show Unprejudiced Discussion Mr. Bhaukal Singh Bhojpuria, an IT professional told that the TCS CEO and top management are right. “Yes this is true that they are witnessing the all time low attrition but there is a mystery behind this. This is the result of the kind of work and the technologies they are working on. I know many people at TCS whose role is as simple as data entry operator and voice support to notebook distributor that too after waiting several years on bench. There are people in TCS who are working on such technologies and tools which are rarely used in the current market, this is making them inexperienced, inefficient and completely noncompetitive with respect to the current market” Mr. Bihari shouted, in Arnab Goswami style.

Within 24 hours the hash tag (#ATTRITION_TCS) had 1000 tweets and twitter faced server issue as all the 300k employees of TCS tried to browse twitter simultaneously.

Top Tweets “See how undisciplined they are, they can’t follow the queue even online TCS should start a new business DDOS attack to make more profit” twitter_india tweeted baffled of the server issue.

“Low attrition Secret revealed ‘TCSers enjoy honeymoon on bench’ goo.gl/‎slkdfkdfdke3434 (video link)” F. Lyngdoh twitted.

While Shitiz Mutreja an IT professional on the condition of anonymity told faking news reporters that Indian IT companies can make profit from anything and everything. He alleged CEO of publicizing their company to achieve unexpected profit in an unethical way. “I am surprised how can this company come to no. 1 position when I and all of my friends had responded negatively in ESS” He further added.

When Our reporter approached Mr. Ajoy Bijoy with these responses, tweets and Naukri.com’s report on decrease in job postings. Mr. Ajoy/Bijoy retaliated: “we are India’s No. 1 software services exporter so whatever we say we have complete justification for that. Now this will silence all those who had been accusing us for misleading people, he said drawing out something heavy from his drawer,”

“Don’t get afraid, I am not pulling out gun” he consoled our cameraman who got afraid from his sudden move, then he opened the bundle of printed paper with some new kind of graph on it, and said. “This, look …., this is the evidence in support of our remark, now it will make everybody silent”

Graph
Dashboard showing zero attrition according to Kapil Sibbals zero loss theory

When our reporter asked him to explain the graph he replied “This is a combination of Greninger chart and pareto, and this has been developed by the talented engineers we recruited recently, they are the lucky guys who were selected by our campus selection team 3 years before and have joined our team last month making our strength to 3 lac’s.” “And if you want to understand this I am always ready with a helping hand you will get 50% discount if you hire our team of those talented guys and for your information our managers are already negotiating with Ms. Karat to make her understand this graph if she agrees to hire our team. Let’s see who comes first and wins this deal” he said posing us a challenge to hire his team.

In a friendly talk to our editor in chief he asked for the data regarding the people who talked against his company. “This is a criminal offence to precede the service agreement that they did by revealing TCS internal confidential while being TCS employee,” He intimidated.

Sources claim that TCS is hoping more profit if the names get revealed by faking news as they will be paying a huge amount to the company for non-compliance of service bond.

Other companies too are mulling similar actions, sources say, they are planning to not to allow their employees to vote in the next election as this will help them in following ways: • UPA III regime will come • Lesser jobs will be in the market • Even lesser attrition rate (Negative loss theory) • More people to be grilled happily. BASSCOM has named it Four Point Goal (4PI) and has made it mandatory for all software and services companies operating in India.

There is speculation that this move was suggested by their newly hired MBA grads from the IIPM who will get the same salary package that engineering graduates are getting from last 7 years once their project gets implemented successfully.

Meanwhile Ms. Karat has withdrawn her statement against TCS as TCS has offered her its team of 15 highly qualified engineers absolutely free of cost to help in her daily household work.