“Both Apple and Google have become corrupt. We are here to change the system,” goes Satya Nadella’s first address after being
sworn in appointed the CEO of Microsoft.
“We will grant valid licenses to all the aam users who had previously installed pirated versions of Windows and Office on their computers, and all the future updates upto 700 MB per user will be free “, declared Nadella, “Bill Gates has made tonnes of money from people over the years. Ye janta ka paisa hai aur hum isko janta ki bhalai ke liye istemaal karna chahte hain.”
When reminded that the money is already being used to fight AIDS and malnutrition, the FN reporter was called a paid Apple agent, handed over a pamphlet and asked to shut up. The pamphlet detailed plans to uninstall the Nokia Black update from all the Windows Phone handsets as Nokia CEO Stephen Elop Bharti claimed it to be in conflict with the culture of Microsoft. The Windows shutdown functionality will also be tweaked to make it restart unexpectedly before it shuts down so as to season the users to be comfortable with sudden u-turns that the company intends to take in future.
When questioned about the long term profitability of of the company, Chief Investor Relations Officer Blogendra Yadav claimed that their internal survey has shown that 80% of aam shareholders have supported idea and it was only after their insistence that the steps were taken. However he failed to produce raw copy of the resolution passed in the AGM despite repeated requests.
Employee practices will also see a major overhaul as explained by HR head Shazia Filmy, “We will no longer have recreational facilities. Whenever an employee doesn’t feel like working he can go out of the office and sit on a paid dharna on the nearest the road for as long as he wants.”
The company is also mulling changes in its policy towards existing existing genuine users wherein anyone found using iOS, Android or even Linux will have his Certificate of
Honesty Authenticty revoked and company will ask police to take action against such users. When asked what if police refuses to arrest such users in absence of any incriminating evidence under SOPA, Nadella coughed smiled and replied, we will go on a dharna to demand the resignation of such corrupt policemen and ended the address.
Update : An inspection of the T&C below the pamphlet has revealed that 666MB of updates will free per user and after that the user will be charged for all the Microsoft services that he has used.