In a shocking move, the appraisers who valued Chennai Super Kings at ₹5 lakh have revealed that Reliance Industries is worth only ₹8.50.
Trying to justify their appraisal, M. Srinivasan (no relation to N. Srinivasan, as pointed out by N. Srinivasan), leader of the appraisers revealed their criteria to this reporter at the BCCI Headquaters, “While it is true that Reliance Industries had revenues of $70 billion last year, one also has to consider some of its questionable subsidiaries e.g. Reliance Entertainment, which released Bobby Jasoos last year. Clearly, a large portion of that $70 billion will have to be returned to the people who saw that terrible film and wanted their money back.”
When it was pointed out that, even in the worst case that would not bring down the valuation to such levels Mr. M. Srinivasan’s assistant, Gurunath Meiyappan (no relation to N. Srinivasan, as pointed out by N. Srinivasan repeatedly) cited to the large number of non-performing assets held by the group, “Look at Unmukt Chand, Ambati Rayudu, Parthiv Patel. Have these ever performed for Mumbai Indians? I know, they took a gamble on that perennially non-performing Sharma factory and it paid off for them but such things don’t always happen. Should I remind you of the much hyped Pondulkar merger?”
However, according to the appraisers, non-performing assets and loss-making subsidiaries were not the major debilitating problem that led to the low valuation but the immediate need for renovation for some of the conglomerate’s largest units. “Have you seen Anant Ambani? There’s a billion already gone for liposuction. Mukesh and Akash also will need one imminently and Nita bhabhi’s annual face lift is coming up right after the IPL. All of these things cost money, you know”, said M. Srinivasan while trying to figure out how to get out of the building without running into that “horrible Anurag Thakur person”.