Saturday, 24th February, 2018

Operations Manager admits having an orgasm everytime he hears words 'analytics' or 'machine-learning'

15, May 2015 By Pagla Ghoda

Gurgaon: Senior operations manager for paper products at Blue Oranges Stationary Solutions (BOSS), Gurjeet Dhain has shocked his team and his HR associate by openly admitting a very embarrassing professional fact. Gurjeet admitted that he gets an instant orgasm whenever he hears words such as “analytics” or “machine-learning”.

Later talking to our reporter he described his peculiar behavior in detail, “I first noticed this problem when I was first introduced to analytics and number crunching. When I heard the word analytics for the first time I was told that it could solve all my problems at a click of a button. Its automated decision making algorithms would minimize the need of human intervention. I felt so excited by listening to that jazzy stuff that I just jizzed in my pants then and there.” Gurjeet said with an uncomfortable grin.

“That Immense power of Data Analytics!”

He further continued, “Being a line manager in a hardcore operations role and being a people’s person for over 20 years, I have always learned to do the things the hard way. Solving hundreds of people issues everyday has put me into such tense situations that at times I had to get into arguments full of swear words, get into fist fights. At times I have even beaten up my direct reports for not falling in line. But ever since I moved more towards general management, I have realized the immense power of analytics and wonders it can do.” Gurjeet said with enthusiasm.

When asked about what other terminology puts him on the seventh heaven, he got quite excited and said – “I cherish several other new corporate terms, but I have one at the top of my mind. During one of the recent “weekly analytics meetups” in my company one of the tech guys gave a presentation where he mentioned the term “machine learning”. On listening to that term, I got such a strong hard-on that I instantly had to go to the restroom and relieve myself. Machines learning? Machines that can learn? Means you don’t need to deal with people at all? I mean .. shut up and take all my money already. Oh God, excuse me I … I really can’t hold it now …. I really need to use the rest room again.” Gurjeet excused himself and took a restroom break, which abruptly ended the interview.

While his colleagues have been raising strong concerns on his behavior off-lately, the HR has let him off with a stern warning for now. Gurjeet has also been advised to buy books on Business Analytics and make himself familiar with other key terms such as “decision modeling”, “data sciences” and “neural networks” which have been known to incite orgasmic behavior in few managers who hear them for the first time.