Vijay Mallya announced in an open letter to employees that each employee would be given a 2013 Kingfisher calendar to help them cope till their salaries arrive.
In lieu of their year-end bonus, they will also each be given a copy of the 2012 calendar, Mallya announced later, in an exclusive interview to My Faking News.
He added that the price of this year’s calendar would be deducted from each employee’s salaries, now overdue by about eight months. “I have to be practical in order to ensure that the Calendar does not go the same way as the Airlines”, said Mallya.
Mallya also unveiled his austerity plan to bring Kingfisher Airlines back on track.
1) Host a no-expenses-spared charity event to collect money to prop Kingfisher Airlines back up. “I have spoken of using UB resources to pump life back into the business. We will serve only UB liquor at the party, er, I mean, fund-raiser”, he revealed. Mallya also hinted that guests might be flown to his private island in the Pacific. “My Kingfisher jets are anyway lying idle. Might as well use them”, he said.
2) Use the remaining fuel in the jets to drive his sportscars to and from investor meetings. “Don’t worry, I’ll claim them as business expenses”, he said.
3) Cut Mallya Junior’s pocket money. Sidhartha Mallya, also present during the interview, mumbled something which, as usual, no one could quite decipher. It may or may not have involved the words “Deepika”, “Party” and “IPL”.
A representative of the Kingfisher employee union spoke under condition of anonymity, “The guys are happy with the proposed settlement for now, but the ladies are not to be pacified. Mr. Mallya will have to come up with something else for them, maybe pepper-spray or a date with Virat Kohli.”
Politician-cum-godman Abhijeet Asaram Bhagwat had a word of advice for Mallya. “He should pray to Gau Mata if he wants his dented, painted aircraft to fly again. He must fly to destinations in Bharat, not India. He can’t clap with just one hand, bhaiyya”.
Mallya was visibly confused by this statement but promised to consider it carefully after a couple of bottles of champagne on his yacht.