Sunday, 22nd April, 2018

Deep Intrigue and Conspiracy seen in the l'affaire Maggie Noodles

05, Jun 2015 By benkakkozha

New Delhi

By a special correspondent.

This special Faking News correspondent has been hearing some whispers of an impending big conspiracy being hatched by an un-named neighboring country’s dirty tricks department for some time now. This deep rumors have been steadily unfolding for the past year or so, especially after the establishment of the ‘new improved’, ‘fair’ and ‘ultra strong’ Government in New Delhi. The corridors of power were whispering about some conspiracy which reportedly was aiming to debase the entire economic fabric of the country. However, all of our deep and highly placed sources in the nation’s power corridors were completely tight lipped about this new conspiracy unlike they normally do, either because of their lack of ability to evenly analyze the nation’s internal and external environment, foresee the looming threats and recommend the counter measures or due to their per-occupation in organizing rock shows around the world.

This correspondent has now been tipped off a possible break being made by the nation’s highest intelligence agencies about the much anticipated conspiracy. It is whispered that the possible break came in the form a brilliant analysis in an unlikely position paper, authored by one of the nation’s youngest and brightest recruits to the intelligence community – an un-named  IIT and IIM alumni. This correspondent had some limited access to this top secret position paper.

The two-part position paper reportedly starts with a study on the availability of Maggie Noodles and it’s relationship with the growth of the nation in to an IT super power. The paper says that there has been a 99.9% correlation between the spread of Maggie Noodles and number of Engineers graduated in India. It is established that the wide spread availability and consumption of the noodles is the biggest contributor to the expansion of engineering education and has ensured the steady supply of cheap engineers in the nation. This constant supply has been the driving force and the back bone of the Indian IT industry.

However, the first part of the paper has not yet established whether the alleged presence of extra lead and MSG in the noodles have positively contributed to the supply of cheap engineers due to the lack of data points and recommends further data collection and future research in that direction.

The second part of the paper alludes to the conspiracy angle of the the present day ‘la affaire’ Maggie Noodles. The paper alleges that the present controversy instigated by an un-named country, if taken up by the scam starved Indian media to it’s logical conclusion, will lead to three serious consequences to the nation. The paper alleges that both the direct and far reaching indirect consequences will be to the sole benefit of this neighboring country.

The first direct consequence will be the disintegration of Maggie brand of noodles itself. This will adversely affect, at the very least, 95% of present day engineering students who will be deprived off their staple food. The lose of the nation’s position as the numero-uno producer of the cheap engineers will be the another consequence. The paper says that Maggie noodles being the staple food of the nation’s youngest, this controversy, in turn, will adversely affect the entire human resources development of the country in the ensuing future.

Starved of the cheap code writers, the nation’s IT industry which otherwise finds it difficult to upgrade itself, will be the next big casualty. It is reported that the neighboring country, already established as the hardware maker of the universe, is fast establishing it’s IT services industry to fulfill the vacuum to be created by the failure of the dominant Indian IT industry. Adverse balance of payments, loss of the Forex reserves and a cut in the credit rating of the nation will be the next serious consequence.

The paper also says that the conspiring country has quietly established itself as the nation’s dominant suppliers of mobile phones, bearing the Indian brand names and as well as their own. It alleges that they have been looking in to the take over of the Indian staple food industry for some time now. It has also mildly alleged that this conspiring country successfully test marketed it’s ‘staple’d visas in some selected parts of the country as a precursor of it’s entry in to ‘staple’ foods business and the latest action of the Indian Government in surrendering the right to take similar and counter action has kick started the current conspiracy at this time. The experts always say that ‘there are no coincidences in these businesses!’.

Executives from the neighboring country representing their noodles brands have already been scouting the country to contract manufacture their brands at the same factories which used to produce Maggie noodles. However, it is still unknown whether they will keep the same level of lead and MSG in their products, as it might play against their objective to debase the Indian IT industry. On contacting some sources close to the scouting executives, they were very tight lipped about their plans and were only saying that they were part of the ‘Make in India’ project and offered no other comments.

But, one of the executives commented strictly off the record that noodles being their national staple food and therefore, it is just poetic justice that a Swiss company is removed from the noodles business in their neighborhood and their business is taken over by the original IPR holders. He also claimed that this is exactly as per the standard operating procedure of IPR holders from all the western countries who profess and export democracy, equality, fraternity, justice etc. all over the world where they perceive good  businesses can be built though he didn’t specify whether his country too plans to do the same.

This correspondent sent emails eliciting comments from the PMO, Defense, External and HRD ministries before going to the press with this story. However, except for a very terse comment from the HRD Ministry saying that the HRD  Minister is preoccupied with the closing down of a food park at Amethi, allegedly planning to make leaded Maggie noodles, and would comment later, no other comments were forthcoming.

None of the IT titans and MASSCOM were forthcoming with comments about the serious threat arising out of the present controversy, but some unconfirmed reports suggest that the industry body itself might start marketing a ‘all new Masscom’ brand of noodles.

Note: This story is broken in a haste to beat the ‘DimesNow TV’ who are the (almost) trade mark holders of the word ‘nation’ and are reportedly coining handles like #maggie’lead’sthenation, #Maggiethenationbuilder, #savemaggiesavenation, etc.