Monday, 11th December, 2017

Cognizant opens new facility in their offices: The Chambers of Secrets

28, Apr 2017 By Vibhor Gupta

As per reliable sources, Cognizant senior management gathered today for a high level leadership meeting to discuss some of the key issues the company had been facing since long. With the sincere looks on the faces of the management, the employees sensed that the company is all set to make a major strategic decision to safeguard company from the volatile market conditions.

But to everyone’s surprise, the meeting was actually called in to start a new facility for the employees in their offices – The Chamber of Secrets. The HR head, gladly announced this facility in the corporate communication email. He said that employee safety was their prime responsibility and this was a well thought step by the senior management to safeguard employees from any exposure to possible “near death experiences” while at work. The “Chamber of Secrets” will provide employees a space to relieve themselves, in peace of any noxious gases they want to get rid of secretly. In his one page long email, he said that these chambers will be equipped with chairs with perforated seats for an easier gaseous exchange and industry quality exhaust systems.

An HR executive Momita, told faking news that the company does not want to discourage the art of fart. They understand that this is a cultural issue for Indians and the company is committed to encourage it by including excellence in fart art in their appraisal process. They have even devised a PROOF (Peer Review of Organizational Fart) criteria for rating employees in this art.

"Will I be able to sleep secretly in this secret chambers, during meeting?"
“Will I be able to sleep secretly in this secret chambers, during meeting?”

Company’s PR department emphasized the need of such rooms in all the companies and said that this can be their contribution towards “Swacch Bharat Abhiyaan”.

There were mixed reactions among the employees on this announcement. Many employees related this announcement to a farting event that happened few days back in the company. An email complaint of the event apparently got leaked in the social media, which made the prime suspect, Bimal an internet sensation.

Anandita, a girl from Bimal’s team was standing just behind his chair when she suddenly heard the loud noise. Before she could react, her nostrils detected the dangerous gas and she collapsed right away. She was taken to hospital as she received the most intense exposure to toxic gases. She recalls that as the most out-of-the-world experience of her life. She felt that her has soul left her body and she was meeting the God. As per her, the experience was more intense than the pot she usually smokes. Tripti, who had a close escape compared the event with Bhopal Gas Tragedy.

Arijit, a young chap told that cognizant employees have very stressful and long working hours. The routine natural cycle of most of the employees has been perennially disturbed because of the same. The situation gets even worse when employees eat mooli paranthas from the nearby roadside stalls because of lack of eating options within the company.

Farting in India has been practiced from last many centuries. Though because of blindly following western culture, this has become a dying art these days. Taking note from Cognizant’s initiative, a parliamentary committee is being set up to enquire if farting can be declared as a national habit. There are speculations that Bimal might be nominated as their brand ambassador. Kejriwal, in his ever-complaining mode, has said they are making a useless fuss over the fart. This is nothing but an Aam Aadmi Paad.

Riding on the highest waves of popularity ever, Bimal couldn’t be happier. “I always wanted to be a celebrity…” he said, “… never knew the fame will come from this route”. He also mentioned that he has big plans to encash this opportunity and is working with lawyers to copyright the sound and the smell of his fart. He is thinking of writing a biography with the title “From Fart to Fame”, which he thinks will be an international bestseller as everybody can fart and everybody wants to become famous.

He revealed that his fame has even reached Bollywood. He has recently received an offer from the leading singer Honny Singh to give music to his new song “Karenge potty saari raat”. He will synchronize his characteristic fart sound with the base guitar in this song. To take this opportunity, he is preparing to launch a band with the name “The G*** Band”.

If we believe him, the famous perfume company “Poison” has also contacted him for in-licensing his “flavor” for a new perfume category that they are launching. This perfume might soon hit market with the brand name “B’s A”.

On allegations of disrupting the environment of the office, he said that though he is enjoying the stardom, the allegations are baseless. It was someone else whose fart created the panic. It’s just a coincidence that he farted that time, but his was totally odourless. He ended the conversation with a shloka to prove his innocence.

Uttam paad, dhadaka naam

Madhayam paad, ati uttam

Chir-chira, maha hatyari

Sursuri, praanghatakam