Saturday, 21st October, 2017

BPO- Bandh Process Outsourcing

30, Oct 2012 By Christiano Munniswamy

THIS CITY DESERVES A BETTER QUALITY OF BANDH!

These days, a  Bandh in India is more frequent than a bomb blast in Pakistan. A political statement, protest, victory celebration, funeral etc… loses its significance if not accompanied by a successful bandh. Unfortunately, most bandhs are unprofessional and cause needless inconvenience. They dissolve into random acts of violence and do not convey the required message, or they are unreasonably peaceful and therefore not newsworthy. The common man or a newbie politician, does not know how to hold a bandh effectively. Being marxists at heart, we aim to create a society in which every person has an equal opportunity to organize a good bandh. There are three main reasons for a failed bandh-Lack of qualified personnel; Lack of planning; Lack of equipment.

We have put together a team of technical experts, engineers, managers and a bunch of seedy-looking onsite personnel, suitable for the job. We have subject matter experts, who provide counseling to help plan the activities. Strikes and roadblocks are preceded by meticulous demographic study to avoid inconveniencing politicians but the maximum amount of aam aadmi. Our IT department, has developed a smartphone application, compatible with any android phone. Strikes, Protests, stone pelting, burning buses etc…, can now be coordinated smoothly. Professional cameramen are available at all scenes, to provide anonymous footage to TV channels.

Traditionally, a bandh is considered a successful only if some buses are damaged, tyres are burnt and public buildings are stoned. Some bandhs fail because of a lack of a sufficient number of quality stones to throw. With the help of Nanjunda Granite works (a six sigma certified company), we offer stones which are custom engineered to have the correct weight/size ratio. They are easy to throw and cause maximum damage. We provide training to amateur stone throwers and maintain a squad of veterans (available for a fee). We maintain adequate inventory of accessories such as sickles (Much), Longs (a long sword), Bamboo sticks and Wickets. Using results from cutting edge research projects at MIT (Murugambal Institute of Technology), we have developed a lighter fluid that is ideal to set tyres, Auto rickshaws and buses on fire. BMTC has kindly acquiesced to provide old buses, headed for the scrap yard, to be burnt and stoned during our bandhs.

Planning a good Bandh is like planning a good wedding. Logistics is an important factor. We have a team consisting of MBA graduates from top universities like IIPM. The bandh route is calculated using combinatorial graph theory. A priority matrix is made to identify important targets to stone and burn. A fleet of transports, according to the latest trends (Open backed Lorries, Tata Sumo, Ambassador Car) are always available. We will also make arrangements adequate nourishment (from Venkateshwara Millitary Hotel) for all members.

For newcomers to the bandh scene, we provide some package deals.

Basic Hartal Package– A run of the mill bandh. This flexible package can be used to highlight any issue, like water sharing, request for SC/ST status, language superiority,religious/communal issues etc…Our Business partners Murugappa and Sons, provide placards, signs and paint buckets for graffiti. For a small fee, we can arrange for combustible puppets and effigies.

Literary Package-Select this package if you have been offended by a book or cartoon. With the help of Ganesh Printers, we arrange for sufficient copies of the offending literature to be burnt. To minimise our carbon footprint, we use only recycled paper.

Hunger strike Package– Do you have activists who are too old to throw stones or suffer from asthma after inhaling smoke? We suggest the Hunger strike package. This package assures sufficient media attention with minimum damage. We have a team of veterans who have already taken part in numerous “Fasts until death”.

Kuthu dance Package– This package is ideal for after victory in elections, launching movies, funerals of famous people or celebrating success of a previous bandh. Using satellite data, the busiest roads will be identified and blocked by squads of trained street dancers. Police protection will be available to defend the bandh participants from angry motorists.  Sufficient quantities of garlands (made of flowers OR currency notes; as per order) are always available.

P.S. We hire interns for summer training. They must be management or engineering students, or they must have dropped out of school before fourth standard.