New Delhi: After releasing 1 million protest letters and 66 different manifestos in every unauthorized colony, the lumpen heroes of the Aam Aadmi Party have finally come out with a unified charter to spite the armchair critics who termed them as “chaotic” and “socialist”.

Titled “Final war against corporate leeches” the unified declaration of policy and aims of the Aam Aadmi Party is sure to make the hopes of autorickshaw drivers and Bangladeshi migrants all over soar.

“If AAP comes to power” the charter promises “All the illegal, unauthorized colonies of Delhi will be regularized and all the required services* will be provided to their residents”, on closer examination the required services are mentioned in the Appendix as “Jacuzzi bath, free electricity, valet parking and Delhi University quotas!!” It also promises “Hermes bags and La Sensa lingerie for all Dilli aunties!!”

Sample another gem amongst the million extravagant revolutions proposed by the Aam Aadmi Party “If we come to power, Aam-aadmi flats with 3-star facilities will be constructed for slum dwellers!!”. When asked how the construction would be funded, a party worker who did not wish to be named revealed “A special 2% Khaas-aadmi CESS would be levied on tax-payers.”

Under the section “Countering crony-capitalism” the charter promises radical change “One of the main thrust areas of the AAP has been countering the blood-sucking corporate-leeches who plunder this country by making PROFITS!!”, ending on the note that “All the Tatas and Ambanis and Adanis will be driven out of this country!!”

When asked who then will provide employment to India’s huge and ever-growing youthful population, Arvind Kejriwal, himself an ex Income-Tax official pointed us to the section which says “Private vehicles such as cars will be banned to stop people from commuting to work and making PROFITS!! instead the Indian Railways will be expanded to have a station in every nukkad and office complex, and will employ millions of displaced youth!!”

When questioned if changes of such scale would expose society to tremendous risk of corruption and embezzlement of public funds, Mr Kejriwal said “There will be a LOKPAL ARMY of one million repressed men and women (Lok Pals or friends of the people) who will police our autorikshaw and railway unions carrying brooms and wearing Khaadi underpants and check for people wearing sexy non-Khaadi lingerie or indulging in corruption or PROFITS!!”

When asked what would guarantee honesty and immaculate moral behavior from the Lok Pals Mr Kejriwal pointed to the section of the charter which says “Moral education”, gems from which include compulsory singing of the AAM AADMI ANTHEM by Kailash Kher at Sunday morning Mohalla Sabhas.

Mohalla Sabhas are what will replace RWAs and gated communities. The Parliament will be open-air at Jantar Mantar or Ram lila grounds with Mr Kejriwal,  attending a daily Darbaar seated on a blind White Elephant under a Chhatri. Exclusive Darbaars will be organized only for minorities who will also have quotas. Tier-2 cities will be turned into villages governed by Gram Sabhas in a process the charter defines as “DE-CENTRALIZATION”. To motivate the cadre to attend compulsory gram-sabhas, Mujraas will be organized for “COMMUNITY BUILDING”.

On security for women and checking cases of rape and harassment, the final unified manifesto promises a ban on sex. “Sex will only be allowed to please the Aam-aadmi” It says “Ostentatious displays of wealth creates resentment amongst Aam Aadmi, and so does ostentatious display of sexiness, which forces them to commit atrocities.

So in line with banning private vehicles, we will ban other men having hot girlfriends. At the core of our organization are angry single men who feel resentful at being marginalized by forces of the free market which are beyond their understanding, such as preference for women in service-sector employment. So we will ban the service-sector to effectively check cases of crime against women.”

Some of the other outrageous promises made in the charter are

1. “Anna Hazare effigies will replace Ravana during Dussehra, and will be shot from the back with arrows by people wearing Aam Aadmi topis.”

2. “END CORRUPSHUN by legalizing pilferage of electricity and replacing all electrical wiring with superconductors and distribute the gains in transmissions for FREE. To raise funds, we will issue “Aam Aadmi” junk bonds targeted at Chinese buyers”

3. “Inheritance Tax on good looks, because relative good looks lead to privilege and Samaajwaad is the enemy of beauty and privilege.”

4. “Converting golf-courses into public parks, and Delhi airport build by corporate leech GMR into a skating rink”

5. “Replace corrupt advertising slogans like “Always Coca-Cola” with “Aap ka Zam Zam Cola”

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